5 tips/warnings about sharing a bedroom with a man

I'm sitting here in my beautiful hotel room at the Crowne Plaza in Felbridge, wrapped in my snuggly complementary dressing gown (which has a message in the pocket which says it like to live here, so the sensitive pathetic side of me has wrestled with my conscience and said it would not prefer to live at my house), drinking hot chocolate and writing.

Me and my partner have just come back from a lovely meal, we have now been in a relationship long enough for him to feel comfortable around me and do whatever comes naturally to him, in the form of gas. He is going to bloody hate me if he ever reads this, but I feel it is a necessary post so I will continue...

I have not ever felt the need to let my body expose itself to himself in such a way (I'm trying to find a nice way to say I haven't broken wind in front of him- EVER. I know! And I also don't know how I have not), but it got me thinking about when what it is like sharing a bedroom with a man.

So for those of you who have never lived with a guy, I will give you 5 top tips/ warnings just so you know what to expect.

1. Don't ever shut door at bedtime because it becomes hotbox of farts during the night. It is advisable to invest in a gas mask- especially after a spicy meal.

2. Perfect your dead corpse pose, it is like the white painted man you see in movies when someone has died on the floor. It is known as the 'We are not having sex position.'

3. If he goes to bed before you so you can catch up on all of the episodes of the Real Housewives (of whatever county), when you eventually go to bed, up he will be on your side and will have drooled on your pillow.

4. Politely put his pants in the laundry, they will never get there by themselves. Don't ever throw away pants with ball holes, because according to him they are still wearable and will be until the hole is so big he is chafing on his trousers, and they are now becoming thin around the ball area.

5. There is no reading or phone time if you are in bed and he wants to go to sleep. A herd of elephants would not wake him in the morning but the ickle light from your phone/ reading lamp  is enough to keep him moaning and groaning until the room is in pitch black.

You have been warned...