Banana Bread for idiots

I love banana bread, one of my first memories at school is talking about St Lucia and eating banana bread. Who knew years later I would still have a love affair with them both.

However, try as I might, I am not much use in the kitchen. I am like Gordon Ramsay in the sense that I swear a lot, but I think if he came to my house to try my food he would need a bin nearby to spit my concoction into.

This was my latest attempt...

(I was checking it was warm and am not covering the burnt bits.)

A useless baker would blame their tools, but in this case I think I am allowed a little leeway because my bottom oven doesn't work and only half of the top oven heats up. So, I think I can be forgiven for it not being Instagram worthy, besides the burn bits can always be cut off.

Banana bread is very easy to make and only a total moron would muck it up, so I have provided the recipe and instructions below so you can have a go.

The measurements are in 'cups' I think it is an American thing, so I went to Asda and picked up some cute baby pink and blue heart measuring cups. I would post a picture of them but they are sat by the sink waiting to be washed so if you don't know what they are Google 'Measuring cups'. I haven't Googled it myself so hopefully they will be baking related measuring cups and not cups for measuring anything else. Let me know and I will remove this advice if something rude pops up.

Oven gloves are also a good investment, as I have found over the years (and today) that using tea towels is not sufficient and leads to burns.

Right, ingredients:

3 very ripe bananas, peeled and mashed

1/2 cup melted butter

pinch of salt

3/4 cup sugar

1 large egg, beaten

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour (I couldn't find all purpose so used plain. With hindsight self-raising might have been a better option. I haven't had time to make a new loaf of banana bread but next time would use self-raising, so if you have that then use it.)


Instructions:

1. Mash the bananas in a big mixing bowl and put the oven on 180 degrees

2. Melt the butter over a low heat

3. Mix the melted butter and banana together

4. Chuck all of the rest of the ingredients into the bowl and mix

5. Put the mixture into a loaf tin and put it in the oven for an hour

6. Cross fingers and hope for the best

7. After the hour, take the bread out and admire the smell even if it doesn't look that good

8. Put it on a cooling tray with a view to cutting off the burn bits

9. Eat and enjoy!

I promise you it will taste good. If you don't like it and you have a dog, give it to the dog. Though
mine spat it out, yours might appreciate your effort.

Actually, are dogs allowed bananas? I best give it a Google...

Love notes

I pick up random things all of the time, like random words (nort has now replaced the word not. I initially did it to wind up my partner but now I can nort stop doing it), random shaped stones on the beach, (the long thin ones are the most amusing), random candles, random bits for nothing in particular, and I love nothing more than a gander in a charity shop to look at the random things people have donated.

This is my most recent random charity shop pick-up:

It is a book full of love notes. People from around the world have shared love notes they have received, on scraps of paper, text messages, envelopes etc. Some of the notes are funny, some are weird, and some are pretty harsh.

This one is my favourite:

I guess that shows I am not really a romantic person if that was my favourite note. It is a little hard to read so if you can't see the picture it says: I trust you did not raise your hopes too high about your chances after Monday because to be quite honest I never rated them to (sic) highly. I hope you don't give up though.'

SAVAGE.

Well to be 'quite honest'  if someone doesn't know the difference between to and too then I wouldn't really want to see them again anyway.

After reflecting on being totally unromantic, I decided to write my own love note just to see if I could dig a little romance out...

I love how you keep me feeling cosy and warm
We share a love that will last and last
When I'm feeling blue I come to you
Thank you for being there I love you my strong, beautiful, reliable,  bed.

I’m obviously not (nort) much of a poet either and can't write a lovey dovey message to save my life, but I have received my fair share of love notes over the years.

I can count on one hand how many I have been given, a couple were popped through my slot in my locker at school, and although I may not have always been the intended recipient, I cherished them all the same.  One started 'Dear Sarah,' but maybe the writer thought I was called Sarah. I could have been Sarah.

At college I got a particularly sinister email from a guy which I think was supposed to be a love note, but it just came across as a bit creepy. I printed it off and kept it, just so if anything happened to me then the police would have a lead. I'm still here so his love for me must have dwindled. I actually still have the email, it's in a memory box at my parents house. I will dig it out and post it when I am there next so you can draw your own conclusions. I would go and get it now but it is 9pm and I am in my cat pj's...I mean sexy lingerie.

I did enjoy reading the book, but to be perfectly honest the only love note I want to see is one that says:

Meet me at 6pm I am taking you to a restaurant. La Mc Donald’s.

Am I just the most unromantic person in the world? What would your love note say? Let's carry on the love note sharing, post yours in the comment section or email me bexblush@gmail.com I will publish the collection in a couple of weeks and we can see how lovey dovey you all are. (I am totally being optimistic  by saying 'collection' as I will probably only get two responses and one will be from my partner telling me about his love for cheesecake and boobs.)

5 tips/warnings about sharing a bedroom with a man

I'm sitting here in my beautiful hotel room at the Crowne Plaza in Felbridge, wrapped in my snuggly complementary dressing gown (which has a message in the pocket which says it like to live here, so the sensitive pathetic side of me has wrestled with my conscience and said it would not prefer to live at my house), drinking hot chocolate and writing.

Me and my partner have just come back from a lovely meal, we have now been in a relationship long enough for him to feel comfortable around me and do whatever comes naturally to him, in the form of gas. He is going to bloody hate me if he ever reads this, but I feel it is a necessary post so I will continue...

I have not ever felt the need to let my body expose itself to himself in such a way (I'm trying to find a nice way to say I haven't broken wind in front of him- EVER. I know! And I also don't know how I have not), but it got me thinking about when what it is like sharing a bedroom with a man.

So for those of you who have never lived with a guy, I will give you 5 top tips/ warnings just so you know what to expect.

1. Don't ever shut door at bedtime because it becomes hotbox of farts during the night. It is advisable to invest in a gas mask- especially after a spicy meal.

2. Perfect your dead corpse pose, it is like the white painted man you see in movies when someone has died on the floor. It is known as the 'We are not having sex position.'

3. If he goes to bed before you so you can catch up on all of the episodes of the Real Housewives (of whatever county), when you eventually go to bed, up he will be on your side and will have drooled on your pillow.

4. Politely put his pants in the laundry, they will never get there by themselves. Don't ever throw away pants with ball holes, because according to him they are still wearable and will be until the hole is so big he is chafing on his trousers, and they are now becoming thin around the ball area.

5. There is no reading or phone time if you are in bed and he wants to go to sleep. A herd of elephants would not wake him in the morning but the ickle light from your phone/ reading lamp  is enough to keep him moaning and groaning until the room is in pitch black.

You have been warned...

Seeing red in Feb

February is all about the colour red, red roses, red hearts, red shoes and red wine (most importantly). 

Red is the colour which you can put on and instantly feel damn hot in, orange just doesn't seem to have the same effect, does it?

So, whether you have a date with your man or a date with your girls this Valentine's day, here are 6 products in Red for you to fall in love with...

New Look dark red velvet shoes  £14.00 newlook.com

Topshop Ladder trim dress £45.00 topshop.com

Rimmel Provocalips Lip Lacquer (Not Guilty) £6.99 superdrug.com

Carvela red 'Darla Croc' tote handbag was £89.00 now £39.00 debenhams.com

Celia Longline Bra £26.00 annsummers.com

Gift Republic Wine Enthusiast Grow Me (Red Wine) £3.99 amazon.co.uk 

(I've just bought four of the above. Happy Valentine's day to me!)

Bacon eggy bread recipe

This recipe was born last week in a kitchen with a fridge which was empty except for bacon and eggs, but I guarantee once you have tried it, bacon eggy bread will become a firm favourite in your house.

*A word of warning, have the fire brigade on standby.

Ingredients for one person:

3 eggs

2 rashers of bacon  

2 slices of white bread

Oil to drizzle in frying pan

Method:

Fry or grill the bacon until slightly crispy

Crack the eggs into a bowl and whisk

Heat a frying pan on a low heat with a little oil

*Don’t forget about the bacon if it is under the grill-  on my first attempt I nearly burnt the place down. (It is an easy mistake to make in my opinion, I blame using the healthy option of grilling. If the bacon was being fried then it would not have happened.)

Put the cooked bacon in the egg mixture and dip a piece of bread in coating both sides. If you squish the bread then the bacon should stick to it. If not take the bread out and pop some bacon on top.

Carefully (and skilfully) flip the side with the most bacon face down into the frying pan and use a spatula to push the bread down to ensure the bacon sticks to the bread

Pop some more bacon onto the uncooked side of bread, then flip over -but be careful not to throw the bacon everywhere, and push down with a spatula

Flip every couple of minutes- but not like a pancake because that is just asking for trouble. You may end up with egg and bacon on your face

Once you are happy with that slice of bacon eggy bread, repeat with the other slice of bread.

You should end up with something that looks a bit like this:

The ketchup heart is optional, brown sauce may be used or any other condiment which takes your fancy.

Happy cooking!

5 things we all do on 'Diet Day'

There comes a time in every woman's life when she realises her jeans are a bit snug and D Day (Diet Day) must commence ASAP.

Tomorrow is when our diets always start. To prepare you for when that day comes, I have compiled a list of 5 things we all do on Diet Day...

* The diet starts tomorrow! Must eat everything in the cupboard, even if it is out of date. Nothing will go to waste. Not even that chocolate covered Turkish delight that tastes like you are eating a bunch of flowers. Also must go through tea/coffee cupboard and drink all of the hot chocolate, chocolate in any form can NOT be in the house.

* Raid wardrobe and pull out pair of jeans you have not squeezed into for 3 years, but are convinced that this diet will finally get you into them. Hang them where visible for inspiration and look at them longingly.

* Walk to the shops (go you!) and buy a fitness magazine, read it cover to cover and attempt the exercises inside. Laugh at yourself as it all goes horribly wrong and you nearly put your back out. Then pat yourself on the back (or rub gently), 1. For still being in one piece and 2. For laughing because laughing is exercise. Even if it is just at yourself.

* Feel inspired after attempt at exercising and pull out an old fitness DVD. Tell yourself you will do the whole thing and then after 10 minutes collapse with a cuppa - minus the biscuit. You are taking this diet thing seriously.

* At the end of D Day 1, look at clock and realise you have lasted 12 hours on diet and reward yourself with a doughnut.

Ah well, you can always start again tomorrow....