Face to face with her

I don’t know what you would call what I did, however, ‘odd’ was one of the more polite terms used.

This afternoon I waxed my eyebrows, moustache, had a bath, put on a full Face of make-up (minus the red lips as I didn’t want to look too vampy at 3.30pm on a Friday), layered my fat pants under my jeans- which, I think just pushed all of the fat up but at least my boobs looked good. Then I had a slight panic when I realised there was nothing I could do about my growing second chin apart from looking up towards the sky or curbing my fast food habit (but it was too late for that), so, I pushed that worry to the side and put on my new top, resisted the urge to have a cigarette as I didn’t want to smell like fag ash Lil, took a big gulp of my banana milk from my wine glass and got in the car.

Why did I go to all of this craziness? Because I was going to pick up my step-kids from their mum’s, (AKA my fiancés ex), for the first time. My partner usually gets the kids, so I’ve never needed to meet her...until now.

Have I completely lost the plot? Is this normal ‘seeing your partner’s ex for the first time’ behaviour? I am not worried about her, she’s engaged, I’m engaged, but for some reason the whole charade of what I did seemed like a good idea.

Has anyone else done this when going to meet THE EX?

Witches suspected on Worthing beach

A dog walker stumbled upon a witches broom on Worthing seafront this morning.

Daisy Smith, 28, was walking her dog Hades on the shingle near Wallace Avenue when she spotted the broom resting on a rock.

“I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.

“I come across all sorts on the beach, but this was a first”

Ms Smith said she thinks that finding the broom could be linked to shadowy figures she saw in the same area a few days previously.

“The beach is where I like to walk most, and at all times of the day. At 10pm last Tuesday night I was in the same area and I saw 3 figures with their hoods up sitting around a fire.

“It is the beginning of March, no one in their right mind has a camp fire on a freezing night in March.

“Witches, I tell you.”

The Record (this fictitious newspaper), spoke to other locals in the area but were unable to confirm if they had seen any suspicious witch activities in the area.

Local Mildred Cackle, 56, said she does not believe any of it.

“What a load of old gobble, something wicked this way comes but it is not witches.

“We must all watch out for evil influences.”

The broom has now been removed and destroyed.

The sh*t slide

I don’t usually like talking about these kinds of sticky situations because they are, well, private. However, these are the habits of my children so I’m going to blab away. They can plot their revenge when they are older. Thankfully none of them have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other type of social media yet, so I can write this for now without any repercussions.

What has got my goat? (Who came up with that saying? I don’t even have a goat, am I allowed to actually use that saying if I don’t own one? Ah well, I will Google it later, but for now the goat is staying). So, anyway, my goat has been got by the toilet.

Poo stains, or skid marks left by the children in the toilet to be precise. Every time we have the younger children I find myself constantly cleaning the toilet after them. I know I can’t really ask a 5, 7, and 8 year old to grab a toilet brush and give the bowl a good scrub after they have done their business (though I would pay very good pocket money) but I’m not sure what else to do.

Actually, thinking about it, handing them all a toilet brush would probably be a bad idea as they would inevitably make more mess and end up playing ‘poo brush duel’.

Yes, we have two toilets brushes in the bathroom- no, I don’t know why either, but thankfully we don’t have three else it would be a poo-bath.

I do understand that having a broken toilet seat which slides around on the porcelain could contribute to some stains as they are literally sh*tting themselves thinking they are going to end up being flushed away, but until a pixie comes along and fixes it, they will have to deal with it and ride it out.

So, what do I do? The loo brush is getting more action than I am at the moment.

Does anyone else have this problem with their children? And if so, what do you do? Suck it up and scrub the toilet yourself, or tell them to clean up after themselves?

Email me at bexblush@gmail.com If I don’t reply, you know what I am doing.